Kids are the Glue of Relationships
And we’ve been treating them like something to avoid
What Happens When the Honeymoon Ends?
I listened to an episode of What Now? (Trevor Noah’s Podcast) where he talked about a trip he went on with his South African friends to Japan. It was a return trip so the group had noticed some of the quirks of Japanese society, one of which was the “lack of romance” that they saw, i.e. no PDA, little or no hand holding, etc.
The folks on the show then moved on to the subject of the honeymoon phase, and Trevor made a point that during that honeymoon phase, in a “natural” (i.e. birth control free setting):
You come together and you make children and then you sort of move on… once we find ways to not get pregnant from having sex, you use up your honeymoon juice
It got me to think about what kids really mean, and what the “honeymoon” bit means as well. I think it comes down to how we humans bind ourselves to one another.
When a Maaaaaannnnn Loves a Woman
(It’s playing in your head now isn’t it?)
“…Can’t keep his mind on nothing else.”
But that love and singleminded-ness can come to an end, despite how strong the feelings of attraction are at the beginning.
The honeymoon phase “ends.”
The two will probably part ways if there’s nothing strong enough to keep them together, like a strong friendship or a marriage.
The cost of sexual interaction is not very high in this scenario where there aren’t small humans running around because of birth control. That means that we have loose ties with people that in many ways we water down the power our physical urges have, to the point where they serve us, instead of us serving our genes.
But is this actually a good thing?
The Baby Bust
We’re still making plenty of people, but there’s a stark upside down pyramid of too few young people, and too many old people.
The people that we meet and love, and perform acts that would normally lead to children with, don’t have to stick around in our lives, because the kids never happen.
These kids that would glue couples together are either non existent, or even if they do exist, can be raised in separation, with families acting as divorced/ separated parents. All of this reinforces the fact to kids and parents alike that children are not more important than personal love/desire/happiness… but is that true?
Fast Forward 100 years
In 100 years, 99.9% of the people alive today will have died. The remaining 0.1% will have been at most young kids, but the vast majority of people alive in 100 years don’t exist yet.
If I told you that we were going to start a company, with 1000 people, and 1 person was going to start it and hire the other 999 people over the company’s existence, who is more important, the one person or the 999?
In a certain sense, the 1 person’s only goal is to set the direction and hire the right 999 people. Other than that, they’ll probably contribute very little to the company’s day to day.
The lifeblood of the company is the 999 future recs.
That is what children are. They are the future firefighters, doctors, engineers, retail workers, fishers, fighters, fliers etc. etc. of our human world.
To say that our happiness is somehow more important than their stability and success is to have a very narcissistic view of the world. The world of “me me me,” where we sacrifice the happiness or existance of others for
Raising a Kid Right is a Lot of Work
But it’s worth it.
There’s no career path, no physical or mental obstacle, and no calling more difficult and nothing more more important than taking a small ape and turning them into a confident and competent human being.
I have a three year old so I’m only part way there, but the time I’ve spent with my daughter has been full of trials and tribulations. But the investment is one I’ve already seen payoff from: I have a human that trusts me and relies on me to grow and be a better version of herself.
And the greatest part outside of my relationship with my daughter is building a relationship with my wife that is from working together on the toughest problem. We have different day jobs, we have different dreams, but we have the shared goal, the singular mindset, of raising a good human being.
Our daughter binds us.
Kids are the Glue of Relationships
When affection fades, or times run tough between two people, the children are what keep us bonded together. For men to selfishly cast off their responsibilities as fathers, and for women to take on the complete burden of single motherhood, is a curse on our society.
Even not having children at all, though I can understand why many don’t, leaves you missing out on one of life’s greatest tasks.
The relationships we have with people, that we are willing to come into close intimacy with (yes, sex), are untethered, by the lack of babies appearing. We have lost the glue of our relationships.
Am I saying go out and make babies without a plan? No… but planning to go out, have fun, and not make any babies I think is taking its toll on our relationships and our societies.
I think we need to treat kids not as problems, not as heavy burdens, but what they really are: the glue of relationships, the ties that bind us, even when the “honeymoon juice” is gone out. We don’t need to always love the person we made a child with, but we should want to work together with them on forging the next generation.
We need to seek out relationships where we can imagine having kids together, and where we can share the weight of raising a kid properly. Put aside the pleasure seeking, and instead seek out someone who you can see making another human with. That way when our love ebbs and flows, the kids will help keep us together.
