On Turning 30
Reflecting on my life experiences and goals over the last 30 years.
I recently turned 30. A big step in some ways, but fairly unremarkable since I’m not a fast driver, terminally ill or a hard-drug addict. I thought I’d share what I think of the last 30 years, looking back.
The Thing I Thought I’d Never Find
I was pretty sure I wouldn’t find that special someone, for more than one reason. Mostly it was social awkwardness, and I thought in many ways I was unlovable. I’d had a lot of awkward interactions with women through my childhood, and had strong feelings for women I knew didn’t feel the same way.
When I met the woman who I’d end up marrying, there were things that made the idea of a relationship difficult (20 year age gap, living on opposite coastlines). We’d met while traveling, so the coastlines weren’t an issue at the time, but came up at the end of our trip.
We were just friends, but I had strong feelings for her. These problems weighed on me for a while, and so I gave up the thought of any relationship, though I’d told her I loved her a month after the trip.
But then she made the effort to come see me in person. That to me was a great gift, one of the greatest I could have received from anyone. I’m blessed that she did that, because it’s been part of the most positive relationship I’ve had with any person.
This happened in my early twenties, and helped put me down the path to who I am now. I started caring about my appearance more, reading self help books to try to better understand others as well as her, and I started reflecting on —
The Things I Always Wanted to Be
This list is by no means authoritative, but it does round out the things I think matter most in the world, the arts and the sciences.
A Rockstar
I can sing OK, but I didn’t have the drive like any famous musician does (or rather, the obsession they have). I had the rock and roll fantasy when I was younger, and felt like a failure when it didn’t magically materialize. I was at best a mediocre Alto Sax player (and at worst a butt in a seat, haha!)
As an adult, I realize how much effort and how little payoff there is to being a musician, unless you really make it big. Instead, I’ve taken the parts that I like about music (singing and strumming the guitar) and do that in my free time.
The rock and roll reality for me is being able to play and sing along to songs that have meant so much to me, without the massive time investment that comes with being a rockstar.
A Writer
I write on Medium now… it hasn’t changed my financials or anything, but has given me a space to be the writer I always thought I would be, but was never committed enough to become. Writing a whole book is much more daunting than writing a few articles.
A Scientist
Research always defeated me (I’m a terrible researcher, what can I say, 0 chemistry skills and 0 patience). I studied Physics but knew that the scientific field would only bring me misery at my ineptitude.
Since leaving the scientific field (“bye Felicia!”) I’ve ended up working in IT, and read science books in my spare time.
I think I’m still hooked into science in a way that I get a positive interaction with it. but no research, woot!
A Failure After All?
But in the end I am not a rockstar, writer, or scientist. There are aspects of these things that I do, but I am certainly an amateur or non-entity in all of these fields.
But even in my amateurish state, what all these have in common is that I have a positive backing from someone I thought I’d never find.
Finding your person can really help you be a better person.
So as a 30 year old, do I feel accomplished and successful? Not really, but I am grateful that I found a woman to show me the joys in things, despite not being an expert at them.
As a teenager, or even an early 20-something, I thought 30 would be the end state, and that I’d just coast for the next 30 years into retirement and death.
If anything I think this time of sharpening the saw is what really matters, moving my life from a “have to” state to a “want to” state, and from an amateur to an expert.
These things that I wanted to be, I wanted them because of certain pieces of what they meant and what they still mean to me, and holding onto those pieces are the best I can hope for.
Instead of seeing the rockstar, I see the joy of sharing music and singing.
Instead of the professional writer, I see sharing experiences and ideas.
Instead of the scientist, I see someone who is well informed and works with science-y toys (computers).
My wife and I had things separating us, but more important than our separation was the things we enjoyed about the world and each other. And more important than my separation from rockstar or writer/scientist is the parts of my life that pull me towards those ideals.
The lesson I learned too late in my life is that the thing that you want should never be eclipsed by the ideal; it should never paralyze you into inaction. You should simply reach towards what you want in whatever way you can, because you’ll find the pieces of it that matter to you and make your life better.
