The End, Not the Means
What Women and Children Are to Men
I was listening to Scott Galloway’s TED Talk and followup podcast on how the USA is making things worse for young people.
One thing that repeatedly popped up in the talk is the statistics for “young” (i.e. millennial and younger) men. As I just passed 30 (31 now, gasp!), I’m reminded of what a crucible my 20s were, but in a good way.
I had my first real job, my first real relationship, a wife and a kid, all compressed into a short period of time. It took me from a boy to a man, and I think that’s what all males need to go through.
But things could have gone differently for me.
The Upward Graphs of Men Going Down
Most graphs will show trends going the wrong way for men.
We have increases in: living off your parents, pornography, video games, loneliness and suicide. These graphs are going up and up.
The only word to describe these trends is: F**k.
We can lay blame, or even say it’s deserved (toxic masculinity, etc.), but this is the sort of thinking that lets this spiral further out of control. I want to give men the benefit of the doubt, and assume that (as a man), there is something redeemable in men, and reversing these trends is something we should be concerned with.
As a related of aside, I want to point out another set of graphs —
The Upward Graphs of Jordan Peterson and Joe Rogan
If you hate Jordan Peterson or Joe Rogan, you are probably liberal or female. If you love them, you are probably male and conservative.
But love or hate, these men are crazy successful.
What determines the graphs of these men trending up? Is it sexism, racism, or anti-trans sentiment? I think they’re successful despite those things (though I’m sure that’s part of their appeal to some).
I think it’s the graphs mentioned above, those of the failing men.
As men are doing so poorly, they turn to any male role model they can find. What better male role models than multi-millionaire men who care about young men?
Lonely men, who struggle to meet and connect with other men (and women) turn to YouTube or a podcast feed where they can hear successful men having conversations.
I used to be big fans of these two entertainers, but I respected the wishes of my family to stop listening to them, because they were so bothered by the negative aspects of them.
But once again: F**k, these men were saying something that spoke to me. And speak to millions of others (80% of Joe Rogan’s podcast listeners are male, and Jordan’s were self reported at 91%).
They spoke to me more than:
- My father (who stole from me and my brother).
- My stepfather (who I still love, but was always very different from me).
- My mother (who is the best male role model I had, but is a woman).
Because Jordan and Joe were successful men that basically said “what the hell is happening to men, and what could/should a man be?” I think some of the advice they dole out (get your s**t together, be someone worth being around) is part of what’s missing for men. But not the whole story.
I wasn’t really a man at the time I listened to them; I was a boy, a 20 something year old boy jettisoned into the world of being a man.
What Men Want, vs. What They Need
I have a 3 year old daughter. I have a wife. These are not things that I want, but things that I need to be a man. Let me explain.
In the movie “The Princess and the Frog” (which, owing to the 3 year old, I have seen 1000+ times), the main characters are plagued early on in the story by their wants.
A want is an expression of yourself that does not make you happy, but that comes easily, is what the movie establishes.
It’s easy to want something, but it’s hard to need it.
Men want stupid s**t, like an expensive car, drugs, or access to buxom, beautiful women. They can play video games or use porn to access those things if they’re unsuccessful, or if they’re successful, they can even have the real thing!
But this want is empty; it’s a hole that gets bigger as you fill it. The movei establishes that the need is the only thing that will fill that hole.
My 20s were the time where I started to turn the dial down on what I wanted and turn it up on what I needed. Things like needing to be fit, needing a real relationship, needing some real responsibility. “I didn’t get what I wanted, but I got what I needed,” to quote the film.
My daughter and my wife are something I need. And I think all men need something like it, they need companionship and they need to provide.
Men Need to Give More than they Take In
Professor Galloways says it better than I will (and has probably written about it better too) but I’ll try to summarize it here.
A boy takes, a man gives. That’s it. A boy is an investment, in the hope that one day, he’ll be able to provide for others. A boy is full of wants and needs, and it’s the job of everyone in that boy’s life to put them on a path to being a man, who leans into his needs, away from his wants.
As a man, they’ll be able to fix things, or build things, or raise families. At that point, they will be a man. The best men don’t focus on what they want, but what they need; somebody to give to.
These days, many people never stop being boys. A single male adult who likes casual sex and doesn’t see the point of settling down or having a relationship is a boy. Or a man who doesn’t take responsibility for the children he’s sired (has the opportunity to be a man, but doesn’t take it).
A male adult who takes from the women, children and other men in his life, is a boy.
A man who lives by his wants is a boy.
In my 20s I had a lot of growing up to do. My wife showed me (and continues to show me) what it means to give as a man should give.
Not always getting your way when it comes to deciding what to do, finding Win Win activities to do with your partner. Giving financially, giving temporally. Giving.
And having a kid creates an even greater need; kids need not just reassurance and love, but sacrifice (goodbye sleep, goodbye anger). You have to “be the better man” with your children.
The greatest test of being a parent/dad/man so far have been when I feel crummy, but my kid still needs me.
When you feel like you have nothing to give, you still have to give.
There are activities that I avoided that can help teach you about this level of sacrifice as a boy (organized sports, rough-housing, etc.), but I think it’s never too late to learn. I’m putting myself through my paces with these Spartan races as a sort of penance.
How to Give When No One Wants You
This is where Joe Rogan and Jordan Peterson are instructive, or any decent male role model. Giving is not about just being nice, or holding doors open.
Giving is about being competent and good at something, and sharing that competency with the world. Giving comes from an excess.
I was always an OK student, but as an adult, I had to realize that things like executive function and responsiveness go a lot farther than simply getting by on your smarts. I became successful at my job by being diligent and responsive, not just by being smart and asking for things nicely.
I got pretty good at things like to-do lists, checking in with people, keeping my inbox clear, etc. It helped me stay on top of the pile of chaos. And life with a relationship and a kid can rapidly become chaotic, so getting these skills established earlier can pay off later.
And having these skills of being able to sort out your own life means that there is room in it for others.
What I realized is that as I built these skills, I had a need to share myself with someone. I chose to take a big step forward with my wife (at the time, my girlfriend) and have her move across the country and live with me. I had a connection with her that I didn’t have with any of my coworkers or anyone I encountered via a dating app (lol me using dating apps).
That step was more of a leap of faith, but it turned out for the best. What I had to give was not just part of my living space, or my time, but I threw in with someone who I hoped could turn my want (attraction) into a need (companionship).
She has been a great person in my life. She’s helped me become fitter, more confident, and given me the opportunity to grow into myself.
The End, Not the Means
Women and children are not trophies or collectables. They do not sit idly on the shelf (metaphorically) or at the dinner table (literally).
They do not complete a man so that he can go on to win the big bucks or win the game of life. They are not what makes a man worthy or great.
Instead, a great or worthy man has a wife and child(ren) who love him, who he sacrifices for. He needs them, and they need him.
Do all men need to get married and have kids? No. But all men must respect the fact that women and children are there for him to give to, not to take from. From public servants to repairmen, to soldiers and salarymen, to quote A Song of Fire and Ice: “All Men Must Serve.”
I started this piece by talking about how men’s graphs are going down, then pivoted to talking about how men’s needs need to subsume their wants. And that those needs are companionship and parenthood.
I think it’s all one story; men who are disconnected and without achievement turn to all sorts of salves that simply make the hole bigger.
By staying perpetual boys, adult males lose themselves. The only way to find their way back is to rediscover their ultimate purpose: giving.
Kant’s perspective is that no person should serve as another’s means, but I think we have a culture that doesn’t respect this, especially when it comes to the interaction between men, women and children. Men are givers and protectors, not takers and attackers.
If you’re lost as I was, use this as your north star:
- Become really good at something that you’re rewarded for
- Seek to give first in a relationship
- Remember that women and children are your goal, not a stepping stone
Thanks for reading!
